Christmas OD

Eggnog, Rudolph, snow, elves, red, Santa's sleigh, snow, shopping for gifts, white, stockings, decorations, more snow.

Do you have the Christmas spirit? I would if I wasn't surrounded by everything Christmassy this time of the year. Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving and ends a couple of weeks into January. That’s what popular media would have us believe. It's really hard to keep up the Christmas spirit for over 6 weeks.

All primetime shows on free-to-air channels have been hoodwinked by Santa Claus. Your choice of shows is between 'How everyone is trying to steal Christmas', 'Adventures of Rudolf or Santa or The elves or anyone trying to save Christmas', or 'Fear factor: Christmas special with 100 year old eggnog and reindeer testicles'. And everyone is celebrating Christmas on the regular shows. The ABC logo has a snow crystal motif. All commercials are red and white and saccharine sweet. And if I hear the 'Let it snow' song one more time, I will track down the living or dead lyricist of that song and ask him to shovel my driveway. Why would anyone want it to snow? I go through the ordeal of checking the shows for the day on the Comcast TV guide with the ridiculous hope of finding something totally unrelated to Christmas and end up watching repeats of The Sopranos on HBO. A show that glorifies immorality is the perfect antidote for Christmas. Thank God for HBO and On Demand.

When there is nothing to watch on TV, everyone gets into ridiculous arguments because they don't know what to do with themselves. So the nation's politicians debate over whether the proper way to greet someone is 'Happy Holidays' or 'Merry Christmas'. It reminds me of my 4th standard class teacher (Edna Mascarenhas, sexy legs adorned in short skirts, first crush) who would remind my class that it's 'Merry Christmas' not 'Happy Christmas'. Shows where the national debate belongs...in a 4th grade classroom.

Here's the problem. America has only one big festival. Now, don't say Thanksgiving. They just made that up. 'Indians', thanks for welcoming us and letting us in. Now, we are going to kill all of you, take over your land and remember that every year by killing all the turkeys. After that it will be time for Christmas where we will eat any remaining turkeys. The rest of the year we'll breed more turkeys.

America needs to follow the example set by India and have festivals right through the year. Every Diwali is preceded by Dussehra and followed by Christmas and New Year's Eve. That way Diwali is only celebrated on TV for about 2 weeks. After that we have Pongal/Sankranti, Holi, births and deaths of our national leaders (time to watch the movie Gandhi again), Baisakhi, Onam, Id, Hindu New Year (what's better than breaking two sets of resolutions every year), birthdays of numerous Gods and Goddesses which fall on different days every year (nice touch - to keep the variety going). Life becomes so much simpler for marketing and media executives and you get to see a different celebration every week on TV.

So, this is what the marketing gurus need to do. They need to invent more reasons to celebrate. It has been done before, you know. Valentine's Day is the most significant fabrication of the marketing industry. How about a Love Thy Neighbor Day between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Do you know your neighbor's complete name and where they work? 95% of America will say NO in that opinion poll. It would be a good day to share the leftover turkey in your fridge with thy neighbor and get to know their names. This will break the monotony of what we watch on TV towards the end of the year and give us a different materialistic reason to shop. In spring, you celebrate Thank God, The Snow Has Finally Stopped Day. In summer, the Barbeque Chicken Day (hey, don't forget to eat all the chicken). Between 4th of July and Thanksgiving, you celebrate There's No More Chicken Or Turkey Left So It’s Time For Beef And Pork Day. That way, all year round I can look forward to watching some TV while I eat my tofu.

P.S: Watched President Bush's live speech to the nation last night. That speech was so depressing that I am looking forward to Christmas now. Happy Christmas!